End’s Historic Weather Vane Mysteriously Disappears
End residents have been left baffled after the disappearance of the 150-year-old weather vane from the roof of St. Crispin’s Church. The iron cockerel, which has stood watch over the town since the 1870s, was noticed missing on Monday morning when the vicar, Reverend Paul Linton, looked up to check the wind direction and saw…
Lost Pygmy Rhinoceros Spotted on End Beach
Sunseekers on End Beach were treated to an unexpected sight yesterday afternoon when a pygmy rhinoceros was seen trotting along the shoreline, pausing occasionally to sniff seaweed and paddle in the shallows. The animal, described by witnesses as “about the size of a largish Labrador but shaped like a tank,” was last seen heading east…
Glowing Lights Over End Spark UFO Theories
Residents were left staring skyward on Monday night after a series of mysterious glowing lights appeared over End, moving slowly in formation before vanishing into the clouds. The spectacle, visible for nearly 20 minutes, prompted dozens of calls to the council and at least three to the local UFO hotline. Witnesses described the lights as…
Mysterious Humming Keeps End Awake
Residents across End reported being kept awake on Sunday night by a strange humming noise that seemed to come from “everywhere and nowhere at once.” The low, vibrating tone began just after midnight and continued intermittently until dawn. Dozens of households phoned the council’s out-of-hours line, with complaints ranging from rattling windows to cats behaving…
Giant Cucumber Brings Traffic Chaos to End Ring Road
Morning commuters in End faced extraordinary delays yesterday after what police described as “an unusually large cucumber” rolled onto the ring road, blocking traffic for more than an hour. The vegetable, measuring an estimated 14 feet long and weighing close to half a tonne, was first spotted just after 7:30 a.m. near Junction 3. Witnesses…
Mystery Foam Eruption Shuts End High Street
Shoppers in End were left bewildered yesterday afternoon when a tidal wave of white foam suddenly swept across the High Street, forcing several shops to close and leaving pedestrians looking like they’d walked through a bubble bath. The incident, which began shortly after 2 p.m., is believed to have originated from a malfunctioning industrial washing…
End Council to Trial Glow-in-the-Dark Wheelie Bins
Residents of End could soon be taking out their rubbish in style, after the council voted to trial glow-in-the-dark wheelie bins in three neighbourhoods. The bins, coated in a phosphorescent paint, are designed to make refuse collection safer for crews during dark mornings and evenings. Officials also hope the luminous bins will reduce the number…
End Library to Introduce “Whisper Fines” for Loud Readers
In an effort to preserve peace and quiet, End’s public library has announced a new initiative: fines for readers caught whispering above an agreed “acceptable murmur level.” From April, a “Whisper Monitor” machine—described by staff as “a cross between a speed camera and a shushing grandmother”—will be trialled in the reading room. Any patron caught…
Council to Trial “Polite Honking Zone” in End Town Centre
Motorists in End are being asked to keep their tempers—and their horns—in check, after the council voted to introduce Britain’s first-ever Polite Honking Zone in the town centre. From next Monday, drivers will be limited to three short, friendly beeps per incident, accompanied, where possible, by a smile or a wave. Any extended or aggressive…
End Unveils Controversial New Statue: “A Bold Artistic Statement… We Think?”
The End Times – March 11, 2025 The city of End has proudly unveiled its latest public artwork—a towering bronze statue of local eccentric and self-proclaimed “visionary philosopher” Cedric Blott, best known for his lifelong campaign to make Tuesdays a public holiday and his invention of the self-buttering toast rack. The statue, which stands an…
